Grass at Head Level

Don’t compete with others. Compete with yourself and learn from others. How can I become better today? What’s something that I could work on today to make growth in my life happen?

I wrote this in my Notes app almost a year ago. I stumbled on it today. I don’t remember what I was doing at that moment, or why I wrote it, but I really like it.

I often find myself writing things, quote-like snippets, and when I read them later, I keep wondering if that was really me who wrote that. Funnily enough, it was. And though the words didn’t change, their meaning evolved. The feelings and emotions attached to them shifted. The rain or sunshine of emotions caught up with me. A year later, reading it feels like watching an old man sitting in his chair, both hands on the armrests, rocking slowly back and forth, caught up in thoughts, in wonder and memories—sweet, sour, and bitter.

I love words. I can just say something and the mind immediately draws a picture, not of the word itself, but of the meaning that word holds for me. Let’s do this exercise together. “Don’t compete with others.” What do I see?

Like a whirlwind that makes time stand still, like a hurricane that rushes all around my mind, warping the reality of my imagination: the desire to be successful, the temptation to compare, to want to live somebody else’s life, to not be a shadow, to feel important, to feel accepted, while being myself, living my own story. How’s that possible? And what does it matter if it’s my story or not? It teaches me that my worth, my progress, my self-improvement, my journey up the mountain… maybe it lasts longer at the bottom of the hill, or goes faster to the highest peak. But who cares? I do. My… please free me from this ever-binding comet of should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.

Don’t compete with others. My main reasons: I want to be happy and rejoice when somebody does good or better than me, I want to be compassionate when somebody does worse, and keep at bay the thoughts that tell me I’m better. Well, I may be better, I may be worse, who cares? I may feel I’m better right now and feel lost the second a snowflake falls.

Red, blue, leaves, orange, rain, and on a green hill, a chariot. Life rages like a storm, but on that hill, in that chariot, I feel calm. I feel at peace. I’m happy if you are as well. I’ll support you if you aren’t.

We build life’s story together, interlaced, and then: a boulder, next, uphill. You don’t see it but I saw it. Am I better than you? No, I couldn’t have seen it before getting here. And you, you may never see it. Maybe you took the other road, the better one, because I was foolish or too stubborn…

Sitting in that chariot, a breeze, the sun, the sky in shades of orange, the hills, and chamomile flowers all across the valley… I turn my gaze to the left and notice a horse lowering its neck to take a sip of water in the calmness of the evening… The breeze, the sounds, a shadow of birds over my head, and lifting my eyes up to the sky, I see, I feel, I lose track of time. The smell of spring, the smell of the same air that makes up all my memories and ties them all together with a thread of clouds. My heart leans back, wants to go back there again, not the place, not the feeling, not the memory, not the circumstances… all I need is that same air, that same way to look at life and see the river slowly travelling the plain, see the fireflies fill the warmth of the night. I miss that. Something unexplained, unknown but so familiar, so far lost, but yet so near to the soul. I could get lost forever in these images, these reflections of past, present, and future reality.

As I linger on those hills, I keep asking myself, over and over again: how do I grow? What does it mean to grow? Can I really improve beyond my errors, my mistakes, my regrets, my successes, and my happiness? Is there something better than that? Where am I doing well, and where am I failing?

At times, I feel like giving up, letting myself be carried by pain and anxiety, getting lost in the feeling of the moment. Why does connection mean so much? I connected with that valley, and I keep needing to connect… but fear rises like a fence, holding me back from throwing myself into life. I’m terrified of the dissonance, of the clumsy notes of being human.

I step out of the chariot and start walking down… the grass feels amazing under my bare feet. I just lay down, the grass at head level, and sleep on the ground, looking up at the beautiful night sky, stars everywhere. I feel so much at ease; nothing disturbs me in this moment. The music of the dark, the music of living nature, is mesmerizing. I want to stay here forever; I want to forget.

Please, let me become better, but don’t take this away from me. Through the struggle, let me not forget the peace. Let me not forget connection. Let me not forget to be. To be or not to be? In this moment, I don’t want to be—I just want to exist. Stars, yellow stars, wind, gentle wind. Peace. Warm peace.

December 06, 2025